ever feel like a walking vagina?

i'm starting to.

i wonder what it feels like to feel like a walking penis?

anywho.

so this guy's life sucks right now. i guess he wants me to do a spread on... okay, he never got that far into that conversation with me. then again, i didn't really ask. let's be honest, he's doing this because it's like a) fuck it, and b) he might get info.

from now on, he will be referred to as "bobo." bobo needs to learn to live with this, because it will only go away when i'm bored with it.

true story.

but, moving away from subject...

subject: bobo

question: what action(s)/attitude(s) would best help him in his current situation?

 1) reversed page-o-cups: to be blunt, someone who's gone through some major shit and probably has trust issues because of it, whether it's trust in other people, or situations - whatever.

2) reversed death: actually not a great card. death is about letting go so new things can come up. reverse it, and it's about hanging on to something you shouldn't. this is emphasized by...

3) 10 of swords: which means, let shit go. really. that's it.

but, let go of what?

this, y'all

reversed 3-o-cups: in relation to this question and situation means more "thwarted gratification" than anything else. 

so you didn't get what you want. work around it!

...i asked that, too. the first spread seemed more backstory to me than anything else, so he gets one more go!

 1) judgment: leaving the past behind to get a new lease on life. easier said than done.

2) five of wands: running into challenge when trying to implement your change. it could be that everyone's giving advice but nobody's stopping long enough to actually listen to the problem. it could also be a challenge you enjoy, but with the question at hand i don't think so (could be wrong). either way, it's definitely an uphill climb that you're going through and will have to continue going through for a bit. the fight's totally worth it to get to the 6 of wands (triumph, bitches).

3) reversed queen of swords: reversed and she's a worrywart with her panties in a wad. basically, your challenge is to not take yourself so seriously. don't be that guy who's like, "nobody understands the depth of my struggle and blahblahblah," be the guy who's like, "hey, wanna go grab a beer* i can barely afford?" only with more pizzazz, which is an amazing word.

be that amazing word.

* beer = soda, since you aren't old enough to legally drink outside

weird.

i had a date tonight. granted, i didn't want it. sooooo not ready to date.

set up by a friend. a friend whose idea of getting over someone is to get under someone else.

date set up, all that fun jazz.

didn't want to go. so indifferent to it all.

so i ask, what would happen if i were to go on said date, or go hang out with aquaintances/friends?

date:

2 of cups, queen of wands, reversed ace of wands

Quite simply, I could have  a relationship tonight, judging by the not-so-subtle image of the two trees doing it.

granted, it's so pretty the way they bang.

the ace of wands is a wand of inspiration. reverse it, and no inspiration. it'd be this empty, shallow thing. that's crap. ew.

friendship time!:

breakdown: the world card, given the question, is about seeing where you fit into something - in this case, a group. so, it can be taken as... fitting in with a group. the reversed page of swords and fool cards are kind of combined in this instance, having to do with detaching. reverse the page o' swords and he's not really fighting for any idea anymore. the fool reversed is no longer grounded.

any way, i skipped out on date. told him the truth, that i'm just not in a good place to date anyone right now. so i went to hang out with friends.

one of the guys was like, "i was gonna ask you out tonight, but it seems like you're going through a lot right now. so if and when you're ready, you have my number."

so the next time your mother rolls her eyes at you for going out at night  in basically pajamas to some shitty rundown place that it doesn't matter anyway, smack her. because it probably won't matter anyway.

granted, mine didn't roll her eyes. i killed that part of her dreams a loooong time ago ;)

weirdest part: this is the 4th time i've been asked out this month. and i ask you people: what. the. fuck.

try not to be the guy your ex mocks in class assignments: a break from tarot to answer a question

“What is more humiliating than finding the object of your love unworthy?” - Jeanette Winterson, The Passion

Auspicious Breaker said...

So do you think the spread made the experience easier or harder to deal with? Because that seems like a bad situation to be in...I wouldn't want to deal with that...

September 15, 2011 10:05 AM 

It feels like I'm the girl this song was written for.
In case you don't feel like listening to it, it's about a guy who regrets being pathetic. Really. Not kidding. And he still avoids this band.

But, honestly?
The title's pretty self-explanatory, but again. Only you know, personally, without the alcoholism.





The MORAL IS, y'all... Well, actually, things-with-penises, if you're gonna propose to your girl (with pants on. All declarations of love made without at least the underoos and t-shirt on don't count unless pre-established when wearing the aforementioned. This shouldn't have to be spelled out like this, but better safe than sorry), don't be a pussy. One night it's "I want to grow old with you," then two weeks later it's all, "I want you out of here in a week. I don't love you," followed by, "Oh, I love you, I just don't want a relationship," followed by, "I can't believe I burned that bridge, you're the most amazing person I know. If I met the love of my life tomorrow, I wouldn't look twice at her" followed by, "rawrrawrrawrrawrrawr." Jesus, it so doesn't matter anymore.


This coming Monday makes 7 weeks and counting. And I post this very very personal shit on here right now because this is the last time with him. He deserves no more attention or focus, and that's exactly what he'll get.


Except in about a month, when I go to pick through the shit I left/want when he gets ready to move out. Like those candle holders on the wall he insisted on keeping? Fuck him, they look feminine, and I'm doing him a favor. When I moved out, he was all, "No, I like them." Ugh, go back to writing bad fantasy and saying you want to "follow your dreams" but really just dream about following them.


But, moving on...


Anybody bored and want a reading? I'm tired of this being straight about me. 

yesterday's q: what will having to see the x be like?

Today I had to meet up with X to sign some paperwork and what have you for our old apartment, which he's breaking lease on. So last night I figured, eh, why not, and drew three cards to see how he might act/behave.

And promptly took said picture, posted it on blog for official documentation, and crashed.

I'm not going into this too much for personal reasons, but, after we talked and such later in the day, it did all kind of come up and prove true.

So yes, here we go.



1) Knight of Wands (top): face/court cards, as a generic rule, tend to stand for an actual person. the wand suit is impulsive, action-oriented, and in some ways no more recklessly so than with the knight - literally charging into battle. definitely a "do first, think later" kinda guy. normally not him at all, but today it ended up being so. today was also the first time in the year and a half i've known him that he initiated anything concerning me. also, found out he signed up for skydiving. basically, he's trying to get his balls back and actually be the person he wants to be, rather than holding himself back. or at least trying to make strides to try, which is close enough depending on the day. so, today he channeled his inner grrr face for a bit, and he's apparently trying to do it in the rest of his life, too.

2) Reversed 2 of Pentacles (lower left): the pentacles suit is a materialistic suit, but also a "wealth" suit in every sense of the word. it could be argued that the upright 10 of pentacles means something like "wealth in love" depending on placement (which I don't really do much of) and/or question. today we found out how much it would take for him to break lease. i haven't lived there in 6 weeks, and i'd offered him half of this like 6 times in 2 weeks. he refused, so now he's paying for it. whoo. but yeah, basically it was twice as much as he thought it'd be. (ha! reversed 2 of pentacles, twice as much! ...sorry, nerd moment.)

3) Eight of Swords (the other one): in this case, i can't help but feel drawn to the interpretation of feeling restriction through one's own indecision. um, yeah. check, please.



squeal like a pig, boy.

Um, I'll go into these tomorrow. Within reason.

This is really an experiment for ME, so yeah.

Enjoy, I guess.

To choose "Yes" vs. choosing "No"

So, how's this gonna go down?

so what's a single girl with a cold to do on a saturday night? go to barnes & noble

and buy a new tarot deck from an artist she saw at dragon*con. her watercolor is incredible. and if you know anything about watercolor, i think you may agree with me when i say watercolor is much more impressive than oil or acrylic, since if you fuck up watercolor, you can't just paint over it. it's done. it requires a lot of patience, a lot of waiting around for things to dry before you can continue, a lot of failing and learning from your mistakes.


basically, jesus, buddha, and ghandi - along with mother theresa - probably do watercolor in heaven. because they're all just that bad-ass.

but i'm moving away from the subject. whoops.

it was the only box of it they had at b&n. i'd thought of buying it at d*con but hadn't wanted to actually buy it. but it was the only one.

it was a sign.

that looked like this:

and it comes with a book. which is awesome, since the pictures on the cards are really artsy-fartsy. and yes, i really did just use that.

the book has some thickness to it, much more than the flimsy pamphlet the other deck came with. this paperback looks like it has some actual info in it, which is great since the depictions on the cards are so not what i'm used to... oh look, and the book is published by llewellyn, which is pretty much the god of new age/pagan publishing. oops, so's the whole damn deck. figures. in "that" section of the bookstore, they're actually pretty big players.

but the best part!? the cards are super flexible, which means shuffling should be a bit less awkward compared to the tarot of the dead pack. they're smaller, which is great since my hands are the size of your average nine year old boy's, and now i can no longer tell which position a card will be in when i flip it. let's review this:

one of these cards is reversed, while the other isn't. can you tell which is which?

didn't fucking think so, y'all.

the one on the left. maybe.

however, with ye olde decke, you can totally tell.

i'll give you a hint: blue-up in the upper left corner means the card will be reversed.

i always hated knowing, because if you're having a bad day and want to hear something in particular, you might skip said card. knowing will make you much more biased, in my opinion. now, i'll have no damn clue. so hopefully less bias.


my only complaint: it doesn't come with a damn bag. a lot of times they come with even some cheap, flimsy thing to keep it in. but not this one! fortunately, i have one bag that'll work for now, but if i didn't i'd be keeping this awkwardly-shaped box around for a while, and that's a huge pain in the ass.

so there you have it, guys. you have all witnessed the beginning of the tarot reader's end for me: collecting tarot packs. this brings me up to 2.5.

my first one, my original one, i lost #14 for, temperance. how the hell do you lose a tarot card, tear the room apart for what turned out to be move-out fail, and still never ever find it? beats the hell out of me.

quick brag

called it. so called it.

uh, kay

so yeah. i kind of don't know why i'm still doing this. hate to say it, but it's beginning to feel like "well, nobody else is and i feel kind of like a jackass." but this thing kind of came around during a time where maybe i needed it to, so honestly, fuck it.

anywho.

so someone left a comment about how've they worked out and whatever. (and yes, i know who you are. i so do.) "they" being "card spreads." well, still waiting on the one with my friend. i still don't trust him, or their relationship. i mean, who goes all "I don't know what you feel, but i feel like this is forever." they haven't even gone on a first date yet, they've just been talking and hanging out with mutual friends for like 3 weeks now. srsly.

anyway, thought about said question, so last night i did some random 3-carder on, well, how today was going to go.

and i got this:

so, let's do this shit.

3 of swords (trust me, guns are swords in this deck.) upright i always read as the heartbreak card, since it usually is. i always see it as something bad. 10 of cups reversed is like the "not getting your happily-ever-after card usually, so i read it as that, too. and the page of coinage? well, i have a hard time connecting with that suit, since they're related more to material gain, solid efforts, and the like - rather than thinking about it (swords), feeling your way through it (cups), or foolishly riding in and deciding to learn as you go but possibly burning out just as quickly (wands). i tend to live life by going "well crap, i should have thought that out more - or at all" (wands). 

1) but the 3 of swords, while being about heartbreak, is also about letting things go and forgiving. reversed they just say "you're doing it, awesome," while upright it's more like "hey, you need to get on this." today a bunch of random shit reminded me of, well, X, and i might have exaggerated some details in my head, or rather drew them out a bit more than they necessarily are, but it's cool. and i managed to not make an ass out of myself or sound retarded to anyone other than my best friend. which is mostly acceptable.

2) reversed 10 of cups, in light of this, wound up meaning more along the lines of "accepting old dreams just aren't there anymore." i mean, if you're with someone long enough in a certain type of relationship, you start planning your future dreams to include them. you give up some, you add others. your dreams change out of love. and it's not that love isn't still there, but they aren't. ergo facto, the dreams you'd begun to build with/for them can't/aren't there anymore. dreams change all the time. but it's kind of cool today because...

3) the page of coins is like the industrious student of the deck. reversed he just wants to play and piss away his life, but upright he's like the steady kind of "go-getter," the one who looks up and figures out what they need to do to make their dreams (or, their "single" dreams pre-X) come true. and that's completely what happened today.

but then, being me, i drew the next 3 cards off the top of the deck. just because.

omg, impusliveness. something i get.

the page of wands is a card of new beginnings, of knowing roughly the direction you want to go in and just opening up yourself to the possibilities of that direction. the hermit's this depressing, lonely-looking card, and it's superstitious as hell but so is tarot in general... dude's pointing his little light towards the new beginnings card. he's alone, he sees possibilities, and the do-it-all workaholic emperor's saying, "we've totally got this."

and fyi, late last night when i did this, i had absolutely no idea what the hell the second 3 cards meant, because those were ALL cards i used to get for X. also, i got really depressed at the first 3 cards, since they usually mean "heartbreak, broken dreams, going to school" in their most basic, depressing meanings.

anywho...

so i signed up for americorps.