uh, kay

so yeah. i kind of don't know why i'm still doing this. hate to say it, but it's beginning to feel like "well, nobody else is and i feel kind of like a jackass." but this thing kind of came around during a time where maybe i needed it to, so honestly, fuck it.

anywho.

so someone left a comment about how've they worked out and whatever. (and yes, i know who you are. i so do.) "they" being "card spreads." well, still waiting on the one with my friend. i still don't trust him, or their relationship. i mean, who goes all "I don't know what you feel, but i feel like this is forever." they haven't even gone on a first date yet, they've just been talking and hanging out with mutual friends for like 3 weeks now. srsly.

anyway, thought about said question, so last night i did some random 3-carder on, well, how today was going to go.

and i got this:

so, let's do this shit.

3 of swords (trust me, guns are swords in this deck.) upright i always read as the heartbreak card, since it usually is. i always see it as something bad. 10 of cups reversed is like the "not getting your happily-ever-after card usually, so i read it as that, too. and the page of coinage? well, i have a hard time connecting with that suit, since they're related more to material gain, solid efforts, and the like - rather than thinking about it (swords), feeling your way through it (cups), or foolishly riding in and deciding to learn as you go but possibly burning out just as quickly (wands). i tend to live life by going "well crap, i should have thought that out more - or at all" (wands). 

1) but the 3 of swords, while being about heartbreak, is also about letting things go and forgiving. reversed they just say "you're doing it, awesome," while upright it's more like "hey, you need to get on this." today a bunch of random shit reminded me of, well, X, and i might have exaggerated some details in my head, or rather drew them out a bit more than they necessarily are, but it's cool. and i managed to not make an ass out of myself or sound retarded to anyone other than my best friend. which is mostly acceptable.

2) reversed 10 of cups, in light of this, wound up meaning more along the lines of "accepting old dreams just aren't there anymore." i mean, if you're with someone long enough in a certain type of relationship, you start planning your future dreams to include them. you give up some, you add others. your dreams change out of love. and it's not that love isn't still there, but they aren't. ergo facto, the dreams you'd begun to build with/for them can't/aren't there anymore. dreams change all the time. but it's kind of cool today because...

3) the page of coins is like the industrious student of the deck. reversed he just wants to play and piss away his life, but upright he's like the steady kind of "go-getter," the one who looks up and figures out what they need to do to make their dreams (or, their "single" dreams pre-X) come true. and that's completely what happened today.

but then, being me, i drew the next 3 cards off the top of the deck. just because.

omg, impusliveness. something i get.

the page of wands is a card of new beginnings, of knowing roughly the direction you want to go in and just opening up yourself to the possibilities of that direction. the hermit's this depressing, lonely-looking card, and it's superstitious as hell but so is tarot in general... dude's pointing his little light towards the new beginnings card. he's alone, he sees possibilities, and the do-it-all workaholic emperor's saying, "we've totally got this."

and fyi, late last night when i did this, i had absolutely no idea what the hell the second 3 cards meant, because those were ALL cards i used to get for X. also, i got really depressed at the first 3 cards, since they usually mean "heartbreak, broken dreams, going to school" in their most basic, depressing meanings.

anywho...

so i signed up for americorps.